When one of your favorite pastimes becomes your number one addiction, something has gone awry.
Last night, like every other night, I was lying awake for hours wondering once again which direction I should go with Paperwaif. I have finally come to a breaking point after realizing that for almost two decades I have tried, tried harder, and tried my hardest only to have daily migraines, bellyaches, and all around disappointment. Typically, I would shrug the feelings away but it bothers me greatly that I worked to get decent grades, I paid every cent for a degree that I actually loved and wanted to work in, and I take care of my household with little to no help ever and I don’t complain. Yet I’m still the invisible wallflower because I’m not the drama queen, not social media star, not the look-at-me millennial (and yes I am a millennial).
But I have come to the conclusion that I have a very bad addiction called writing. Writing comes in all forms. Following design school, I never thought I would really pursue writing- I love digital design. Unfortunately, I had to make some tough decisions for the betterment of my family and creating stories and characters came naturally. Looking back, I wish I had known how time consuming, frustrating, and disappointing it would be. Professionally, there a few highs. Everyday feels like a new low and its strange when you’re the only person in your small circle who enjoys creating products and working in the design industry. If I talk about my interests, I sometimes receive a strange stare or a backhanded comment. And often, people have asked me why I’m not a nurse, teacher, office assistant, manager, etc. Am I a horrible person for feeling that those jobs are boring, bland, and not where my passions lie? Is it horrible to say that I’d rather be an OCD addict and work fifteen hours a day at writing and designing than spend four hours at a job that I dislike? I suppose I should have been an engineer or a plumber instead of an airhead flake who just wants to visually create. But at the end of the day, I just accept this odd obsessive addiction to the creative world even if it makes me want to vomit, have migraines, or want to toss my novels in the trash ~ Paperwaif